The Voyager Funny Bug
By Traci Benton

(Scene: Janeway, Chakotay and Paris are on the night shift on the bridge, they are the only people on the bridge, don't ask me why, that's probably a breach of protocol or something, oh well, as I say many a time
just go with it!
Yes anyway, they are all in their usual seats…Paris is pressing on his consol trying to look like he is doing something, Janeway is reading and Chakotay is also trying to look busy, but in general everyone looks bored stiff.)

Janeway: (trying desperately to make conversation) Tom?
Paris: hmm?
Janeway: Did you enjoy talent night?
Paris: What? Oh yes
Janeway: yes…
(They all go back to looking bored)
Chakotay: (sigh) We've still got 3 hours left
(Janeway starts to giggle)
Chakotay: What?
(Paris also starts to giggle)
Chakotay: WHAT?
Janeway: Nothing
Paris: Nothing…(he laughs again)
Chakotay: Fine
(They return to the awkward silence for several minutes, again trying to look busy, suddenly Paris leans his head against his consol and breaks out in a fit of hysterical laughing)
Chakotay: Lieutenant? (More hysterical laughing from Paris) Mr. Paris Would you please enlighten us to
what is so amusing? (No answer) Lieutenant?
(Chakotay looks to Janeway for support but finds her turned away from him shaking while silently laughing) Captain? (She doesn't answer him and he reaches across to touch her shoulder but this just results in Janeway to burst out laughing which then results in Paris laughing even more) Did I miss something? Paris!?…Captain?
(They both control themselves after a few moments, and ignore Chakotay's queries)
Janeway: So yes talent night…(Tom turns to face them)
Paris: Yeah commander-You haven't contributed yet
Chakotay: And I don't intend to either
Janeway: Spoilsport, you're no fun
Janeway: (pouting.)  You're such a party pooper.  (She implies something he can't quite put his finger on.)
Janeway: (Continuing) You always ruin my fun...
Chakotay: (Getting nervous) I do?
Janeway: (grins and stands up) I'm bored
Paris: (sighs) Me too
(Chakotay is still deciding what to make of Janeways last remark and just sits with a confused look on his face)
Janeway: I hate being bored, there's nothing to do
Paris: Well it's a lot more fun for you!
Janeway: Why?
Paris: You're the Captain
Janeway: So?
Paris: So…it's a whole lot better then being helmsman
Janeway: (She thinks for a moment and an amused smile comes across her face)
Well then…you be the Captain (She takes off 2 of her pips)
Paris: Really? Cool! (He takes the pips, then seeing he now has too many tries to work out which ones to give back) ummm… (Janeway takes the appropriate pips off his collar and puts them on hers)
Janeway: There
Paris: (grinning he sits in the captains chair as Janeway takes Paris' place) Lieutenant, plot a course to the alpha quadrant and engage. (He makes a Picard 'engage' motion)
Janeway: (grinning) um…Captain we
are on route to the alpha quadrant
Paris: (laughs) Just testing you!
Janeway: (shrugs) fine
(Chakotay looks from Janeway to Paris and then back at Janeway) um Captain?
(Janeway giggles)
Paris: Yes commander?
(Chakotay gives Paris an evil look) Not
you Paris
Janeway: Well he
is the Captain - sir (loving every minute of this)
Paris: (to Chakotay) Be quiet I'm trying to think
Chakotay: What?
(Janeway turns back to the helm and giggles)
Paris: You heard me-be quiet
Chakotay: (again looking to Janeway for support) Captain?
Paris: (grinning) Yes?
(Chakotay clenches his teeth) This isn't funny
Janeway: Is too!
(Janeway and Paris return to fits of laughing while Chakotay tries to look, as they aren't getting to him) Fine.
(Janeway and Paris look at Chakotay and try to look serious- several moments pass this way)
Paris: Commander?
Chakotay: Yes?
Paris: Can you please move
Chakotay: (confused) what?
Paris: Can you please get out of your chair?
Chakotay: Why?
Paris: Do as you're told
(Chakotay just stares at him)
Paris: I want to put my feet up and you're in the way
Chakotay: (irritated) What!?
Paris: You heard me-move it
Chakotay: NO!
Paris : I am the Captain, do as I tell you or I'll have you put in the brig!
Chakotay: Stop fooling around Paris or I'll have
you put in the brig
Paris: Ha you cant do that! I'm the Captain!
Chakotay: This isn't funny- (to Janeway) Captain? (Puts in quickly before Paris can say anything)
Janeway (she turns to face him)
Janeway: What?
Chakotay: this isn't funny
Janeway: 'tis! (She turns the chair 360 degrees) I wish my chair did that!
(Paris giggles again)
Paris: I mean in commander, if you don't get out of your chair in the next 5 seconds I'll call Tuvok and tell him to put you in the brig
Chakotay: Shut up Paris!
(Janeway rests her head on the consol and breaks down in hysterical laughter again)
Paris: (stands up hands on hips trying to imitate Janeway) Right that's it!
(chakotay sands up to face Paris)
Paris: (laughs and points at Chakotay) You got out of your chair!
Janeway: (Janeway looks at Chakotay) aw Paris leave him alone, you're upsetting him
Chakotay: I am
not upset
Paris: are too
(Chakotay decides not to take it any further and sits down stiffly)
Paris: I like being the captain
Janeway: (drums her fingers on the consol, seeing this annoys chakotay she doesn't stop) Me too, but I like your chair (she starts to spin around on it)
Paris: hey you would have told me to stop that if you were the captain!
Janeway: How do you know that? You've never done it before, not that I've seen anyway
Paris: Oh…suppose so (Paris gets up and walks over to the helm looking over the consol)
You haven't messed anything up have you?
Janeway: (taking offence) No! I know how to pilot a star ship!
Paris: (laughs) fine (he sits on the edge of the seat Janeway is on) Just making sure (he goes to tap on the consol but she stops him by laying her hands in his way) hey! You stick to your job and I'll stick to mine…I don't come checking you're doing your job properly when you're at the helm!
Paris: (smiles smugly) that's 'cos I do it properly
Janeway: And what makes you think
I will?
Paris: (puts his arms up in make defeat) fine, fine calm down
Janeway: (after a slight pause) Move
Paris: No
Janeway: Get off my seat
Paris: No
(She pushes him slightly and he falls off onto the floor, which sets them off into another fit of laughter, Chakotay just stares at them trying to work out if he is the victim of a practical joke)
Janeway: (laughing) Get off the floor
Paris: No I like it down here (he lies with his hands behind his head)
Janeway: If you say so
Paris: Actually its not (he jumps up and stands behind Janeway looking out of the view screen) Space is boring
Janeway: (sarcastically) that why you joined Star Fleet?
Paris: (he laughs) no its not really boring, well it is right now, but when something happens its not
Janeway: Well you've joined the right ship, something always happens on this ship, well except now…
Paris: Yeah…(more silence) so…talent night
Janeway: Enough with talent night already!
Paris: You brought the subject up
Janeway: When?
Paris: Earlier
Janeway: No I didn't
Paris: Yes you did (turns to Chakotay) didn't she?
(He nods not quite with it) see
Janeway: Oh well I will drop the subject then
Paris: Fair enough (pause)
Janeway: I hate your chair
Paris: You wanted it earlier! (He laughs)
Janeway: Well it's making my backache
Paris: It doesn't do that to me
Janeway: (snaps) did I say it did?
Paris: sorry-you don't have to bite my head off
Janeway: (sheepishly) sorry
Paris: 's Ok (he rests his hands on Janeways shoulders, she doesn't seem to notice,
chakotay looks
very alarmed, he doesn't say anything)
Janeway: Chakotay?
Chakotay: …yes?
Janeway: Please do something for talent night
Paris: Hey! You said you were going to drop it!
Janeway: …I will, I didn't say
when I was going to drop it- (to chakotay) well?
Chakotay: well what?
Janeway: are you going to do something for talent night or not?
Paris: (looks at Chakotay with his hands still resting on Janeways shoulders) you should do something with…lieutenant Janeway (he grins at chakotay) I'm sure between you you'll think of something!
Chakotay: (sharply) Shut up Paris!
Paris: (shrugs) just trying to help
(They drop the subject; Janeway starts to tap the consol)
Paris: What you doing?
Janeway: Nothing
Paris: Yes you are (he looks at what she's doing to find her stabbing one 'button' absent mindidly with her index finger) Oh- no you're not
Janeway: (sighs) I'm bored
(Paris starts to rub Janeways shoulders, seeing the look on Chakotays face …which isn't a pretty sight, he
definitely does not want to stop…just for the look on Chakotays face I mean * cringe *)
Janeway: (Still jabbing the consol) What you doin'?
Paris: (grins) you said you had neck ache
Janeway: No I
said I had backache
Paris: No need to get technical
(To Chakotays horror she doesn't even
try to stop him, just goes on pressing that damn button, I don't know what its for…)
Janeway: Fine
Chakotay: (trying to distract them) um Captain?
Paris: Yes?
Chakotay: Not
you Paris, you know who I mean
Paris: who? (Looks around) I don't see another Captain here
(Chakotay clutches the side of his chair as Janeway now has her back against Paris now in on the game)
Chakotay: Kathryn?
Janeway: (she closes her eyes and sighs) yes?
Chakotay: Um…maybe I will I will do something for talent night
Janeway: (smiles to herself) fine
Paris: Hey don't
you bring talent night up as well!
Janeway: (indicating the * cringe * massage Paris is giving her) mmm… that's nice
Paris: Better then chakotays?
(Chakotays jaw drops even lower if that's possible)
Janeway: mmm definitely (grins to herself)
(Chakotay looks as thought he's about to protest but decides against it, instead he nearly breaks the arm rests off the chair)
Janeway: Chakotay?
Chakotay: Yes?
Janeway: What's wrong?
Chakotay: Nothing (he says this too quickly and mentally kicks himself)
Paris: liar!
(Janeway and Paris start to giggle and both turn to face Chakotay, Paris not touching Janeway anymore to Chakotays relief, which shows)
Janeway: Yes there is, you've been quiet since the start of the shift
Chakotay: Nothing I'm just tired
Janeway: You want to go and get some sleep? Paris and I can finish off here (Paris and Janeway give each other a knowing look, which Chakotay
totally misinterprets)
Chakotay: No! Um, no I'm not tired-I'll stay here
P: (mock disappointment) Oh, I thought you said you were tired, its OK we don't mind taking the shift, nothing we can't handle
J: You look ill Chakotay
C: I do? (He certainly feels it) No I don't, I'm fine, just fine
P: You do
look pale; maybe you should go and get some sleep
C: (giving Paris an evil look) No I'm fine thank you Paris
J: If you say so (she turns to look at the consol to hide the wide grin on her face, Paris also turns around placing his hand on Janeway's shoulder again
(It takes everything chakotay has to stop himself from jumping out of his seat)
P: (to Janeway) Maybe I should promote you to commander
J: (giggles) No because you'll have to demote Chakotay
P: So…
J: I'll think about it
C: What?!
P: (to chakotay) well don't think I'm having
you as my first officer
C: I wouldn't be
your first officer; I'd be Captain Janeway's first officer
P: Oh shut up will you! Cant you just except that I'm the Captain?
C: (he stands up) You are over stepping you ground Paris!
P: Oh am I? It looks to me as if
you are overstepping your ground (He steps closer to Chakotay - standoff!)
J: (jumps up) Hey! (Points a finger accusingly at Chakotay) Paris is right! Sit down! (He does so)
P: Oh that's right-he listens to
J: (turns to Paris grinning) I want to be that captain now
P: Fat chance!
J: (steps towards Paris) Oh come on! You've been the Captain for ages
P: No I haven't!
(Janeway lunges for Paris attempting to get her pips back but he dodges her)
P: I like being the Captain, Come on! You've been the captain for years!
J: Let me be the Captain!
P: (pouts) You just like being the Captain because Chakotays under you
(Paris and Janeway cant keep a straight face at this remark and start to laugh, Chakotay is in shock and looks as though he's about to collapse, partly at what Paris said and partly because of Janeways response…)
J: Yeah I like having him under me-now give me my captain-ness back!
P: That isn't a word!
J: Is now!
(She lunges again for her pips and is tackled to the floor by Paris)
C: (watching in amazement) this isn't funny!
(Janeway and Paris break down into uncontrollable laughter)
(Paris stands up and goes to sit in the captain's chair but Janeway grabs his leg and he falls flat on his face ending in more laughter, not that they stopped laughing…)
C: Stop it both of you (He stands up trying to look authoritative)
(Janeway and Paris both jump up, Janeway makes another attempt to rescue her pips resulting in Paris picking her up over his shoulder)
J: Let me go! (She kicks her legs and slaps him on the back trying without success to get free, Chakotay can't believe any of this is happening and frankly neither can I!)
P: You going to let me by the captain?
J: No!
P: well I'm not putting you down then!
J: Let me down! (She tries to sound angry but cant stop laughing) Please-Tom-Let me down
P: Fine (he walks to the centre of the bridge and dumps Janeway unceremoniously on the floor
J: Hey! (She recovers herself and jumps up to make another rescue attempt, she tackles him to the floor and * cringe * Paris sits on her back making her squeal)
J: (still laughing, despite being sat on) Get off me you big oaf! You're heavy!
P: You going to let me be Captain?
J: NO! I want to be the captain, get off me NOW! (She giggles)
P: Fine, fine (he takes the liberty of restoring the pips to their proper places but still doesn't get off of Janeway)
J: Let me up NOW!
P: No
J: That's an order!
P: Chakotay didn't follow
my orders
(Janeway struggles to get free but gives up and they both break down in hysterical laughter AGAIN!)
J: Ow you're hurting me! Get off me!
P: (still laughing) No!
(By this time Chakotay has decided he has had enough and storms over to Paris and Janeway, grabs Paris' arm and pull him up roughly)
P: Ow! What was that for?
C: Both of you stop it
now! If this is some kind of stupid joke (looks at Paris) then stop! It's not funny and you are both getting on my nerves (he pulls Janeway off of the floor, although more gently then he did Paris) both of you grow up! You are bridge officers (looks at the captain) you are the captain-you cant go around playing practical jokes on duty! (She looks at the floor) What do you think you are doing?!
Paris: We were only having a bit of fun-jeez!
J: Yeah
C: (really getting quite angry now) well not while
I'm on duty, I don't care if you're the captain, you cant go around pulling stupid pranks like this! I'd expect it from him (points at Paris) But not you!
(Janeway doesn't answer-just carries on looking at the floor- Paris glares at Chakotay)
P: Push off!
C: No! You push off Paris!
(They face each other fuming)
P: You're a bully!
C: Grow up Paris
(Suddenly Janeway starts whimpering quietly-they both turn to look at her)
C: Kathryn?
J: (quietly) leave me alone
P: (to chakotay angrily) Now look what you've done!
C: Shut up Paris!
P: No, You…(Janeway starts to cry louder, Chakotay reaches out to touch her shoulder but she turns around and walks over to the captain's chair and sits down with her head in her hands sobbing)
C: Kathryn…
P: (to chakotay) You-are-mean
(chakotay glares once more at Paris before going to kneel next to Janeway)
P: Leave her alone! Don't you think you've upset her enough?
C: (Ignoring Paris he speaks comfortingly to Janeway) Kathryn? What's wrong? (No answer) Kathryn-please (he places his hand on her shoulder)
J: Leave me alone Chakotay
C: Kathryn please-maybe you should go to sickbay
J: I'm not sick, now leave me alone
C: (getting irritated once again) What did
I do?
(Paris snorts)
J: I said leave me alone! (She pushes his hand from her shoulder and goes to get up but chakotay holds her shoulders)
C: Whats your problem?
(She starts to sob into her hands again; Chakotay looks concerned and takes her head in his hands)
C: (taps his comm. Badge) Bridge to sickbay (suddenly Janeway leans forward and kisses Chakotay lightly on the lips)
Doctor: (VO) Sickbay here
(Chakotay strokes Janeways face lightly and leans forward, kissing her full on the lips)
Doctor: (VO) hello? … Hello? … Is anyone there? Commander?
(Janeway and Chakotay are still kissing while Paris watches with a huge grin on his face)
Doctor: If you don't answer I'll report you too the captain!
(Janeway, Paris and chakotay giggle)
C: It doesn't matter doctor, sorry
Doc: I should think…
C: Chakotay out
(chakotay strokes Janeways hair lightly)
I was worried there for a moment when you and Tom…well…when
Paris and Janeway: What?
C: doesn't matter...